A Post From the Resident Cartoonist

 So in light of recent events I am back on OKcupid (for the time being) to do a little harmless flirting and I thought I would share with you a little exchange I had with a 42 year old man (don’t worry, not all posts will continue to be about middle aged men).

I wrote on my profile that someone should contact me if (among other things), they won't kill spiders they find in their house. So I get this message:

The spiders eat the bugs that really creep me out…so I'm fine with them in or out of the house.
-AJ

And after checking this guy's profile and noticing that not only is he 42 years old and listed as "seeing someone," I obviously don't respond. But OKCupid notifies you when somebody checks out your profile (bad for the stalkers out there), so about ten minutes later I get another message from him that says:

Ok then, sorry to bother you. Good luck regardless.
-AJ

So I feel bad that I have looked at his profile and blatantly ignored his seemingly nice comment, and write back:

Sorry, don't take it personally. You seem cool, not to mention attractive. I just feel that our age difference is a little much for me. Good luck you too.                                                              

–Doodle Brain (not my actual screen name)

Then HE responds:

Ah I guess as you get older, you understand that individuals mean more than any one specific thing about them (hair color, age etc) and that limiting yourself to only those that fit into the predetermined box you have made for yourself limits your possibilities. Great things and people might slip right by. Have fun.                                                                                                       

 -AJ

UM, I AINT TRYNA GET LECTURED PAL.

Here are two snarky things I thought of saying back (neither of which I will actually send):

1) You're right, maybe I am letting great people and things slip by, by HAVING AN OPINION. But you know what's worse than that? A slipping ball sack, not to mention libido and metabolism.

2) Okay, thanks. If I'm still single and using this site when I'm 42, I'll reconsider my perspective.

WISHING YOU A STUFFED-ASS THANKSGIVING FROM THE LIBIDINOUS LADIES

 We would like to give thanks to:

1. Dan Savage and his sage advice
2. The power of a sexy piece of clothing
3. Lelo products
4. Nars Orgasm
5. Our boobs have yet to start sagging 
6. Our abundant natural lubrication thanks to our youth
7. Men/women who understand the importance of foreplay
8. Men/women whose goal is get us off
9. Being the little spoon OR  the big spoon
10. The ability to flirt ourselves out of tricky situations
11. Being able to have multiple orgasms
12. Not having to shave the stubble off our faces everyday
13. Not having a hairy back

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

"The Crush From Afar" In the Words of a Guest Blogger!

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

The Screening Process

"So ... Let me get this straight. You're asking me if I'll go home with you before I've contacted any of your references?!"

A Lesson in Common Courtesy (written with a nasty hangover and in a café whose coffee is reviving my faith in human existence)

So here’s the situation. It’s the Saturday night before Halloween and my new friends and I are at our second bar of the night. I’m on my third drink, which, as you may have gathered from some of my previous entries, is too much for me. But I digress. This is not a lesson in how I shouldn’t have drunk that extra gin and tonic, nor is it about throwing up in an embarrassingly public place (never again!). This is about people not being up front about their relationship status (OH HELL NO!)

So I’m feeling pretty damn hot, being Freud in a slip, and doin’ my thing when my oh my I spot my type of guy. Most of you know who that it is; over 6 ft, a little awkward, AND, to top off this lovely sight, he is a wearing a hoodie! In that moment I feel like I haven’t seen a guy wear a hoodie since college (aka last June), and I am loving it. In the midst of every other person who is dressed to the nines, toppling drunkenly over themselves, and just having a raucously good time, this cute, casually dressed, and seemingly unattached guy standing by himself is having none of the drunken chaos; he’s totally absorbed in watching the football game.

I probably stare at him for a good 20 minutes moaning to my friend about how much I want to talk to him but don’t know what to say— (the art of picking someone up at a bar is something that I can easily play along with as a wing-woman, but am very uncomfortable actually initiating) when, lo and behold, he sidles up to my friend and I and positions himself right next to me. My friend makes the quick exit, and I turn to him and say, “So why aren’t you dressed up?”

This evolves into a very nice conversation about how he went to Stanford, is a med school student in the same city I work in (!), and how he only lives a couple block away. I’m getting all the unmistakable signals that he’s into me:

1. He came over to me first
2. Direct eye contact
3. Physical touching on the shoulder and arm every so often
4. It’s been 15 minutes and he’s still into it

I’m feeling extremely positive about this whole thing and am starting to think I’m going to get some tonight, when all of a sudden he drops a doubly douche-baggy bomb. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but he LIVES with her. I’m shocked, and can’t help but ask, “Well, where is she?” He responds that she’s asleep and not feeling well. All I want to do is shout, “Then why the fuck are you at a bar at 1am on a night where EVERYONE is trying to get laid, and why did you choose to start talking to a hottie (me) in a slip with a “penis envy” sticker on her left boob and a “libido” sticker on her right ass cheek!?”

But of course I don’t say any of that, and instead coolly inquire about what she does for a living (she works for the “Ted” talks program, which I guess is pretty cool). Then it gets awkward and he excuses himself to go home to her.

This incident puts a damper on my night, which soon transitions to me sitting drunkenly on a bar stool in our third and last bar, slurring my way through feelings of confusion and hate towards men to my friend, who has seemingly lost the red wig to her Merlotte’s waitress costume. What else is new, though?

So the moral of this story is pretty self evident: BE UP FRONT about your relationship status within the first 5 minutes (at most) of a conversation, ESPECIALLY if you are talking to a cutie at a bar in a hot slip. Frankly, if I’m trying to get some (as I damn well should be on a drunken Saturday night), I don’t want to have to ask if you have a girlfriend— that’s YOUR responsibility, asshole.

                                                                                                              

I have to say, this brings to mind my recurring wish that we lived in an alternate Sims computer game-like universe, so that there would be a way to immediately discern whatever information we wanted to know about a person we are macking on and really should know.  I’m thinking, bright halogen signs over peoples’ heads that say “seeing someone,” “in a relationship,” “casually fucking someone,” “scared of commitment” “I have a problem getting it up,” or anything else that you really should know about a person before your interest gets piqued.

But of course, we don’t live in a world where people put their faults up front, and that’s just the beauty of dating and getting to know someone, isn’t it?