Ok, so have you ever been in a situation where you’re dating someone who you know just isn’t right for you, but you stay with him (or her) anyway? (These reasons might include, but are by no means limited to the guarantee of being treated to very yummy meals, drinks at bars, and a companion to spend Saturday brunches with). Sometimes it is just so easy to be with someone because he's uncomplicated and provides you with a bit of spice in your otherwise somewhat monotonous life.
I think we’ve all been guilty of this at some point or another. It’s human nature to deny things we know to be true in favor of what we want to be true, i.e. to overlook a certain unattractive tendency (or three) in a mate in the hopes that it will POOF - disappear!
But when it doesn't and when we’ve finally realized that this someone isn’t exactly life-partner, let alone long term boyfriend material, does this mean we have to break up with him immediately? I think not. As long as we’re not giving him false hope about a long-term future or blatantly taking advantage of him, who’s to say we can’t enjoy his company just a little while longer?
The point of this post isn’t to debate the ethical gray areas of various breakup timelines. What I specifically want to focus on is what it takes for us to admit to ourselves that someone REALLY just isn’t right for us. So for now, I will divulge to you, my readers, an incident from my own experiences with a less than dreamy man…
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This past autumn, I dated a guy – whom I will refer to as Mr. Sterile – for about two months. There were certain things about him that made me doubt our compatibility from the start – he was socially awkward, pessimism weighed down his every step, and he had [ultra] conservative views on social welfare– but I made a concerted effort to overlook these things in the name of keeping an open mind. We all have our quirks, right?
I should also add that Mr. Sterile was a classic germaphobe. Always equipped with a bottle of Purell in his pocket, he wouldn’t touch anything if he could help it. Sitting down on a subway car was out of the question. Opening doors for me was accomplished only with his shirt pulled down over the bare skin of his hand. Even the sweat, etc. accumulated whilst having sex had to be immediately followed by a shower (though maybe the view was just a bit less enticing than this). Although I found these anti-germ precautions to be a little irritating, I figured that they were overall harmless, and tried to convince myself that they were endearing rather than recognizing them for the flashing “WEIRDO” signs that they actually were. Folks, don’t ignore those signs!
I regret to say that my, er, optimism, was so far fetched that, even after THE incident, which I am about to recount, I did not immediately break up with Mr. Sterile. I am telling you this not to embarrass myself but to make an example of myself. If a partner performs an action that completely turns you off and is indicative of a trend that you know will never end, then listen to your gut! One must not cling onto someone who is not worth it just to feel wanted and told “you are so hot.”
I regret to say that my, er, optimism, was so far fetched that, even after THE incident, which I am about to recount, I did not immediately break up with Mr. Sterile. I am telling you this not to embarrass myself but to make an example of myself. If a partner performs an action that completely turns you off and is indicative of a trend that you know will never end, then listen to your gut! One must not cling onto someone who is not worth it just to feel wanted and told “you are so hot.”
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What: THE Incident
Who: Mr. Sterile and me
Where: My Bathroom
When: The Evening
How: Sexy Time
So, Mr. Sterile and I were about to take our first shower together. As steam filled up the small bathroom, I decided to put on a little show for him; slowly unhooking my bra, I let it fall to the floor before sliding my panties off. Like any good seductress I coyly turned my head around to gauge his reaction, but his tongue was hardly lolling out of his mouth. He wasn’t even looking in my direction!
Instead, Mr. Sterile was completely immersed in wrapping layer upon layer of toilet paper around his hand. Brow furrowed in concentration, he was carefully and deliberately mummifying his right arm, making the thing look less like something I wanted wrapped around my waist while he kissed me passionately and more like… well, a Q-Tip.
As I watched in horrified silence, he ripped the end of paper from the roll and carefully placed the sizeable ball of toilet paper on the bathroom carpet in front of the sink. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he then hooked his fingers into his boxer briefs and, in what was clearly a practiced motion, shimmied them down his legs and daintily placed the briefs on the mound of toilet paper.
“What are you DOING?!” I asked. “I just don’t want them touching anything,” he pleaded.
This was all occurring as my bra was on the floor, my wonderful rack on blatant display and all he could think about was how his stretched out Gap boxer briefs (that had been shoved up his butt all day) could get dirty from my bathroom floor! First off, my bathroom did not look like it was teeming with bacteria, hair, or even dust! Hello, I have a (wonderful) clean freak for a roommate!
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Well we had a shower together anyway, although it was less than sexy. I didn’t even remember the incident until I broke it off with him a few weeks later due to other qualities he possessed that were less than desirable. But when I look back on that incident it should have been a clear sign to me that me and Mr. Sterile were not GONNA WORK and he was not NORMAL.
So my sage advice for all of you is that once you see a red flag, be it controlling behavior, uncalled for jealousy, or even nonsensical germaphobia, take a minute to reflect on that person you are with. Think deep and hard about whether he or she is really making you happy or are you just trying too hard to make it work?
