Online Dating Blues

As single ladies try’na make our way in the post-college dating world, the blog’s resident cartoonist/editor (we’re going to refer to her as “Doodles” from this point on) and I recently decided to jump on a bullish new hipster bandwagon, which is not only free but also incredibly addicting. In other words we created profiles on OkCupid— the dating website of our generation. 

When I joined OkCupid at the start of the summer, I had just returned from college and was living at my parent’s house in the suburbs. Accustomed to more or less guaranteed run-ins with my hookups and/or crushes at campus parties every weekend, I was suddenly feeling utterly clueless about how to make contact with dudes (not counting the ones making cat-calls to me on my way to work every day). So the prospect of regular dates, which I could choose from a virtually unlimited pool of guys on OkCupid, was a dream for me. I could actually have guys take me out to dinner and romance me instead texting me at 2am for no strings attached sex? Count me in! 

My first few weeks of OkCupid dates were simultaneously thrilling, overwhelming, nerve-racking, and at times super awkward. Barring a few initial flubs (which, I’m told, are par for the OkCupid dating course) it wasn’t long before I began meeting some decent, well meaning guys, one of whom was mentioned in a recent post (cough coughMr. Sterilecough cough). I could spend a LOT of time describing the variety of guys I met and went on dates with— dudes with questionable sexualities, sexy times that were totally hawt (I can’t believe he found my clit on the first try!), and disappointing /lackluster endings. But right now I’d like to look at the big picture and talk about the pros and cons of online dating.

Last weekend, a guy I had been on five dates with  (I’ll call him “The V”) called me up with a confession that in my opinion was slightly overdue. Although we’d had a good time togetherI was the first girl he had dated since his 5 year relationship had ended and he just wasn’t ready to get serious with me at this time.  I couldn’t say I was totally surprised; just a week earlier I’d complained to my friends about our awkwardly silent fooling around session which had left me with a pretty strong gut feeling that there was no real romantic future for this sweet, goofy guy and myself. Even so, I was feeling pretty dejected, not to mention wholly unenthusiastic about the fact that I would have to go back trolling around OKC for guys that were A) Over 6 feet tall B) Attractive C) Had similar interests to me. And it wouldn’t stop there! It would take another two weeks for [insert new guy’s name] and I to have the obligatory “do I really want to meet this person?” message exchange and then five or six more dates before we’d know if the relationship had any long term potential. I could be in relationship dating limbo for another two months and goddammit I was tired of it all!

Naturally, I called Doodles after I hung up with “The V” and lamented to her about my dilemma. We vented to one another for a while about our frustration with OkCupid, which eventually led us to have an important realization: while dating through OkC makes it easier for you to meet someone with similar interests/outlook on life, it nevertheless lacks a certain key element that’s automatically built into real world dating— the guarantee of face to face, pulse poundin’, sweaty palmin’ PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY. While you can get a good idea of what a guy looks like (provided he’s represented himself honestly!), learn about his hobbies and perhaps exchange witty anecdotes about your daily routines, it’s important to realize that you still don’t REALLY know who this person is. The impression of a person that you build up in your head prior to meeting them is an INTERPRETATION which you’ve created by piecing together what information you have and filling in the rest of the blanks with your IMAGINATION. When you meet them in person, there will be disparities between your impression of the person and the actual person, guaranteed! 

While we’re focusing on OkC’s negative aspects, it can also be pretty unsettling to think that since OkC offers an endless supply of willing singles, the person you’re on a date with/have been on a few dates with is more likely than not still chatting with, dating, or planning to date other people in addition to you. Of course, this is completely allowed; I’ve been guilty of it once myself (once I got home from a date in the afternoon only to immediately begin getting ready for an evening date with another guy). While OkC daters have every right to “play the field,” so to speak, it just doesn’t seem natural to me to be dating multiple people at once.  Regardless of how you plan, at the very best you’re only devoting a quarter of your attention to someone who could potentially be great for you, and at the worst you’re spreading yourself too thin and setting yourself up for major disappointment when all of them don’t work out. Whew! I guess what I’m really trying to say is that I’m completely burnt out by online dating. I’m sick of having 3 first dates in one week or juggling two guys at once only to have both prospects fizzle out. My ego and spirit can’t take it anymore! 

So, for a change of pace, Doodles and I have decided to take on a CHALLENGE to go old school, and start reaching out to real live people! (GASP!) We’re going to put ourselves out there to meet a guy in our neighborhood, out on the town, or while  stalking dogs at the dog park (please let this happen to me!). Of course, there’s no “right” way to do this, but that’s kind of why it’s fun. I for example am going to make a concerted effort to maybe approach the cutie on a park bench reading that book I love, or go up to that guy at my favorite café and finally say, “Hi, we’ve been making awkward eye contact for the past 10 minutes, so I thought I’d come over and say ‘Hello.’” Now, we know this plan isn’t foolproof— it’s far from it. The only thing we’ll definitely have in our favor is an immediate attraction to the person and possibly a favorite hangout out or reading material in common. But that’s more than we’ll have with a random guy from OkCupid, and it’s a change of pace that I think is much needed in my glamorous single life. 

We’ll give you updates and results as we go. While I have confidence in my one-liners and infectious smile, I’m still completely terrified of being turned down or a guy saying, “uhh, I’m married.” But if that’s the worst that can happen, then I guess I don’t have that much to lose. This is how basically everybody over the age of 30 met (and fell in love) back in the day and I think it would do us all some good to give it a try.

When You Meet a Mr. Sterile, Run!

Ok, so have you ever been in a situation where you’re dating someone who you know just isn’t right for you, but you stay with him (or her) anyway? (These reasons might include, but are by no means limited to the guarantee of being treated to very yummy meals, drinks at bars, and a companion to spend Saturday brunches with). Sometimes it is just so easy to be with someone because he's uncomplicated and provides you with a bit of spice in your otherwise somewhat monotonous life.

I think we’ve all been guilty of this at some point or another. It’s human nature to deny things we know to be true in favor of what we want to be true, i.e. to overlook a certain unattractive tendency (or three) in a mate in the hopes that it will POOF - disappear!

But when it doesn't and when we’ve finally realized that this someone isn’t exactly life-partner, let alone long term boyfriend material, does this mean we have to break up with him immediately? I think not. As long as we’re not giving him false hope about a long-term future or blatantly taking advantage of him, who’s to say we can’t enjoy his company just a little while longer?

The point of this post isn’t to debate the ethical gray areas of various breakup timelines. What I specifically want to focus on is what it takes for us to admit to ourselves that someone REALLY just isn’t right for us. So for now, I will divulge to you, my readers, an incident from my own experiences with a less than dreamy man…

***

This past autumn, I dated a guy – whom I will refer to as Mr. Sterile – for about two months. There were certain things about him that made me doubt our compatibility from the start – he was socially awkward, pessimism weighed down his every step, and he had [ultra] conservative views on social welfare– but I made a concerted effort to overlook these things in the name of keeping an open mind. We all have our quirks, right?

I should also add that Mr. Sterile was a classic germaphobe. Always equipped with a bottle of Purell in his pocket, he wouldn’t touch anything if he could help it. Sitting down on a subway car was out of the question. Opening doors for me was accomplished only with his shirt pulled down over the bare skin of his hand. Even the sweat, etc. accumulated whilst having sex had to be immediately followed by a shower (though maybe the view was just a bit less enticing than this). Although I found these anti-germ precautions to be a little irritating, I figured that they were overall harmless, and tried to convince myself that they were endearing rather than recognizing them for the flashing “WEIRDO” signs that they actually were. Folks, don’t ignore those signs!

I regret to say that my, er, optimism, was so far fetched that, even after THE incident, which I am about to recount, I did not immediately break up with Mr. Sterile. I am telling you this not to embarrass myself but to make an example of myself. If a partner performs an action that completely turns you off and is indicative of a trend that you know will never end, then listen to your gut! One must not cling onto someone who is not worth it just to feel wanted and told “you are so hot.”

***

What: THE Incident

Who: Mr. Sterile and me

Where: My Bathroom

When: The Evening

How: Sexy Time

So, Mr. Sterile and I were about to take our first shower together. As steam filled up the small bathroom, I decided to put on a little show for him; slowly unhooking my bra, I let it fall to the floor before sliding my panties off. Like any good seductress I coyly turned my head around to gauge his reaction, but his tongue was hardly lolling out of his mouth. He wasn’t even looking in my direction!

Instead, Mr. Sterile was completely immersed in wrapping layer upon layer of toilet paper around his hand. Brow furrowed in concentration, he was carefully and deliberately mummifying his right arm, making the thing look less like something I wanted wrapped around my waist while he kissed me passionately and more like… well, a Q-Tip.

As I watched in horrified silence, he ripped the end of paper from the roll and carefully placed the sizeable ball of toilet paper on the bathroom carpet in front of the sink. Without so much as a glance in my direction, he then hooked his fingers into his boxer briefs and, in what was clearly a practiced motion, shimmied them down his legs and daintily placed the briefs on the mound of toilet paper.

“What are you DOING?!” I asked. “I just don’t want them touching anything,” he pleaded.

This was all occurring as my bra was on the floor, my wonderful rack on blatant display and all he could think about was how his stretched out Gap boxer briefs (that had been shoved up his butt all day) could get dirty from my bathroom floor! First off, my bathroom did not look like it was teeming with bacteria, hair, or even dust! Hello, I have a (wonderful) clean freak for a roommate!

****

Well we had a shower together anyway, although it was less than sexy. I didn’t even remember the incident until I broke it off with him a few weeks later due to other qualities he possessed that were less than desirable. But when I look back on that incident it should have been a clear sign to me that me and Mr. Sterile were not GONNA WORK and he was not NORMAL.

So my sage advice for all of you is that once you see a red flag, be it controlling behavior, uncalled for jealousy, or even nonsensical germaphobia, take a minute to reflect on that person you are with. Think deep and hard about whether he or she is really making you happy or are you just trying too hard to make it work?

A Post From the Resident Cartoonist

 So in light of recent events I am back on OKcupid (for the time being) to do a little harmless flirting and I thought I would share with you a little exchange I had with a 42 year old man (don’t worry, not all posts will continue to be about middle aged men).

I wrote on my profile that someone should contact me if (among other things), they won't kill spiders they find in their house. So I get this message:

The spiders eat the bugs that really creep me out…so I'm fine with them in or out of the house.
-AJ

And after checking this guy's profile and noticing that not only is he 42 years old and listed as "seeing someone," I obviously don't respond. But OKCupid notifies you when somebody checks out your profile (bad for the stalkers out there), so about ten minutes later I get another message from him that says:

Ok then, sorry to bother you. Good luck regardless.
-AJ

So I feel bad that I have looked at his profile and blatantly ignored his seemingly nice comment, and write back:

Sorry, don't take it personally. You seem cool, not to mention attractive. I just feel that our age difference is a little much for me. Good luck you too.                                                              

–Doodle Brain (not my actual screen name)

Then HE responds:

Ah I guess as you get older, you understand that individuals mean more than any one specific thing about them (hair color, age etc) and that limiting yourself to only those that fit into the predetermined box you have made for yourself limits your possibilities. Great things and people might slip right by. Have fun.                                                                                                       

 -AJ

UM, I AINT TRYNA GET LECTURED PAL.

Here are two snarky things I thought of saying back (neither of which I will actually send):

1) You're right, maybe I am letting great people and things slip by, by HAVING AN OPINION. But you know what's worse than that? A slipping ball sack, not to mention libido and metabolism.

2) Okay, thanks. If I'm still single and using this site when I'm 42, I'll reconsider my perspective.

WISHING YOU A STUFFED-ASS THANKSGIVING FROM THE LIBIDINOUS LADIES

 We would like to give thanks to:

1. Dan Savage and his sage advice
2. The power of a sexy piece of clothing
3. Lelo products
4. Nars Orgasm
5. Our boobs have yet to start sagging 
6. Our abundant natural lubrication thanks to our youth
7. Men/women who understand the importance of foreplay
8. Men/women whose goal is get us off
9. Being the little spoon OR  the big spoon
10. The ability to flirt ourselves out of tricky situations
11. Being able to have multiple orgasms
12. Not having to shave the stubble off our faces everyday
13. Not having a hairy back

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving?

"The Crush From Afar" In the Words of a Guest Blogger!

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The Screening Process

"So ... Let me get this straight. You're asking me if I'll go home with you before I've contacted any of your references?!"

A Lesson in Common Courtesy (written with a nasty hangover and in a café whose coffee is reviving my faith in human existence)

So here’s the situation. It’s the Saturday night before Halloween and my new friends and I are at our second bar of the night. I’m on my third drink, which, as you may have gathered from some of my previous entries, is too much for me. But I digress. This is not a lesson in how I shouldn’t have drunk that extra gin and tonic, nor is it about throwing up in an embarrassingly public place (never again!). This is about people not being up front about their relationship status (OH HELL NO!)

So I’m feeling pretty damn hot, being Freud in a slip, and doin’ my thing when my oh my I spot my type of guy. Most of you know who that it is; over 6 ft, a little awkward, AND, to top off this lovely sight, he is a wearing a hoodie! In that moment I feel like I haven’t seen a guy wear a hoodie since college (aka last June), and I am loving it. In the midst of every other person who is dressed to the nines, toppling drunkenly over themselves, and just having a raucously good time, this cute, casually dressed, and seemingly unattached guy standing by himself is having none of the drunken chaos; he’s totally absorbed in watching the football game.

I probably stare at him for a good 20 minutes moaning to my friend about how much I want to talk to him but don’t know what to say— (the art of picking someone up at a bar is something that I can easily play along with as a wing-woman, but am very uncomfortable actually initiating) when, lo and behold, he sidles up to my friend and I and positions himself right next to me. My friend makes the quick exit, and I turn to him and say, “So why aren’t you dressed up?”

This evolves into a very nice conversation about how he went to Stanford, is a med school student in the same city I work in (!), and how he only lives a couple block away. I’m getting all the unmistakable signals that he’s into me:

1. He came over to me first
2. Direct eye contact
3. Physical touching on the shoulder and arm every so often
4. It’s been 15 minutes and he’s still into it

I’m feeling extremely positive about this whole thing and am starting to think I’m going to get some tonight, when all of a sudden he drops a doubly douche-baggy bomb. Not only does he have a girlfriend, but he LIVES with her. I’m shocked, and can’t help but ask, “Well, where is she?” He responds that she’s asleep and not feeling well. All I want to do is shout, “Then why the fuck are you at a bar at 1am on a night where EVERYONE is trying to get laid, and why did you choose to start talking to a hottie (me) in a slip with a “penis envy” sticker on her left boob and a “libido” sticker on her right ass cheek!?”

But of course I don’t say any of that, and instead coolly inquire about what she does for a living (she works for the “Ted” talks program, which I guess is pretty cool). Then it gets awkward and he excuses himself to go home to her.

This incident puts a damper on my night, which soon transitions to me sitting drunkenly on a bar stool in our third and last bar, slurring my way through feelings of confusion and hate towards men to my friend, who has seemingly lost the red wig to her Merlotte’s waitress costume. What else is new, though?

So the moral of this story is pretty self evident: BE UP FRONT about your relationship status within the first 5 minutes (at most) of a conversation, ESPECIALLY if you are talking to a cutie at a bar in a hot slip. Frankly, if I’m trying to get some (as I damn well should be on a drunken Saturday night), I don’t want to have to ask if you have a girlfriend— that’s YOUR responsibility, asshole.

                                                                                                              

I have to say, this brings to mind my recurring wish that we lived in an alternate Sims computer game-like universe, so that there would be a way to immediately discern whatever information we wanted to know about a person we are macking on and really should know.  I’m thinking, bright halogen signs over peoples’ heads that say “seeing someone,” “in a relationship,” “casually fucking someone,” “scared of commitment” “I have a problem getting it up,” or anything else that you really should know about a person before your interest gets piqued.

But of course, we don’t live in a world where people put their faults up front, and that’s just the beauty of dating and getting to know someone, isn’t it?